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Quintessential Summer

While I never think of September as "summer" in theory, in practice I consider it summer until it starts getting cold again. So it is definitely still summer around here, with our warm 90-degree days, despite Labor Day doing its best to usher in the fall before anyone's ready for it, and despite the darkening evenings.

We had a quintessential summer day yesterday: playing in the water, eating sandwiches outside, enjoying popsicles on the porch, making two different trips to Lowe's, catching up on some summer beach reads, working on home improvement projects, etc. In the midst of it all, I captured this shot, which just screams summer to me:

 
Vibrant colors
Sun-kissed hair
A drink from the hose
Swimsuit wedgie
Green, green grass
A shimmery water shadow

Summer, I'm going to miss you. Stick around a bit longer, will ya? 

Tuesday's TED Talk: The Power of Vulnerability

 I'm feeling ambitious today about my new job responsibilities, now that Ella Publishing Co. has a parent company. (Everything's going great except for that unreasonable curfew. *eye roll* Parents. Who needs 'em. ;)

One of my hopes is that the new EPC/BPC partnership will free up more time for my poor, neglected blog. And so far, it looks good. On to today's topic...

One thing that's been a big part of my life lately is the huge library of TED talks: "Riveting talks by remarkable people, free to the world." TED stands for "Technology, Entertainment, Design" and also boasts the tagline "Ideas worth spreading."

I'm about to spread some of those ideas in my own little way, once a week, on Tuesdays.

One of my very favorites is by Dr. Brene Brown, titled "The Power of Vulnerability," which has been viewed 5.8 million times and is absolutely worth every minute you devote to it today.

 

My Takeaways:

• I love the phrase "lean into the discomfort," which Brown picked up from the social-work world. It's natural to turn away, brace ourselves, and hide when we feel uncomfortable. But that keeps us from connecting at times when either we OR the other person is in desperate need to connect.
• To be connected, you have to be SEEN as you really are, which means allowing yourself to be vulnerable.
• To live wholeheartedly, you must live with courage, compassion, connection, and vulerability.
• If you're not gentle and compassionate with yourself, you can't be gentle and compassionate with others.
• While vulnerability is the source of pain and loneliness, it is also the birthplace of love, joy, and creativity. And you can't numb one side without numbing the other.
• And the biggest lesson, the one that I want to absorb into my whole soul and instill into my daughter every minute of her life (and my stepson, although he's 18 so he already knows everything :) is this:

"You are imperfect and wired for struggle,
but you are worthy of love and belonging."

These are life-changing concepts, people. And I'm delving into them deeper by reading one of her books, The Gifts of Imperfection (which incidentally, for you scrapbooking folks, has a promotional blurb from Ali Edwards on the back cover!).

Yeah, I'm a bit late to the Brene Brown party. I stopped by her blog years ago, in a more cynical and flippant time in my life, and it felt a bit too New-Agey to me back then. But now, I can't get enough. She is real. She is authentic. She is grounded. She is funny. Four of my very favorite qualities.

 

A Personal Aside

My husband, Travis, and I have found a new solution to the 45 minutes (or more!) we often spend browsing through Apple TV or Netflix to find a movie we're both in the mood to watch at the same time on weekends. It is stunning how rare it is for us to just sit down and fall into a movie we both want to watch. It always takes much haggling, much negotiating, and much debate over who got more points for the last movie we watched together.

Him: "I better be getting serious points for watching this movie; this is totally a chick flick!"

Me: "No it is NOT. Let us examine the baby-to-gun ratio in this film. There have been exactly two babies and at least five dozen guns. So it is a dude movie. So I get the points for watching it."

Him: "BUT if you factor in the kissing to explosions ratio, there have been five kissing scenes and only two explosions..." No one ever wins.

I'll be in the mood for drama when he wants a comedy. Or he'll be in the mood for a documentary when I'd rather watch a British period romance (which, let's be honest, is any time of any day).

So if we find ourselves starting down the movie preview rabbit hole, we pull out our iPhones and browse for a new TED to watch, which we can push instantly to our TV monitor, thanks to Apple TV. Most TED talks are only 10-20 minutes long, and we've realized that we'd rather have our minds blown four times in a row, on four diverse topics, than spend an hour waffling over the available movie choices.

So what about you? Are you familiar with TED? What's your favorite? If you have a favorite or two, please include links!

*Note:  accidentally published this instantly instead of in the a.m. And rather than unpublish it now only to republish it tomorrow, let's enjoy a bit of Tuesday on Monday, okay?*

It's a Girl!!!

If there were ever a time to use multiple exclamation points in a title, this is it!!!

We've kept the news to ourselves for a little while, but I'm ready to share my miracle.

Baby Girl Lucas is due on October 13, 2010. And we found out just a couple of weeks ago that she gets to be ours.

We're not even done with our adoption paperwork yet (it's being fasttracked, of course!). We don't even have our "please choose us!" adoption profile completed. And the agency we're using (LDS Social Services) is very highly subsidized by the LDS church, which makes it highly affordable compared to other agencies, which means there are 900(!!!) prospective LDS couples on the waiting list and not nearly that many babies, which means couples wait for 2 years on average to be matched with a birthmom. Our situation is going to skew those statistics just a bit, I think.

Here's the story.

I'd been sitting on that infertility post I wrote for honestly 2 months. I'd been thinking about writing about infertility for even longer than that, but I couldn't muster up the courage. But on the day before I was planning to publish that post anyway, I got a phone call out of the blue from a beautiful, young mother-to-be who wanted to meet us. 

I had about three hours notice to get my house ready for the visit, and I'm eternally grateful for that, because had it been any longer, I may have been a basket case by the time she arrived. Who knows what I would have attempted to remodel in time for the visit?

You see, the birthmom is a relative of a relative. She's not biologically related to me, but she is biologically related to three of my nieces and nephews. She's my brother-in-law's niece. And I loved her the moment she showed up on my doorstep. Not just because of the unimaginable gift she has chosen to give us, but because of the courage and character she has shown through an incredibly difficult time in her life.

And to make it even more perfect than it already is, I have no less than SEVEN friends or cousins who are either giving birth or adopting babies within three months of my baby's due date. And even better, six of the seven babies are girls! (Did you hear that? "My baby"??? I've been waiting for six years to say that about someone other than a 105-lb. French Mastiff or a 45-lb. Olde English Bulldogge.)

As the events of the last several months have unfolded, it has become more and more obvious to me that there is a larger plan at work here. Whether you believe in fate (which I don't) or in divine intervention and guidance (which I do), it's abundantly clear that even heart-wrenching, difficult, grief-filled situations can be made good and right. I can't even begin to express all the tender feelings that are in my heart right now. We've been walking on air for weeks. And as every day passes, it becomes more and more real.


Isn't she adorable? (I know the pictures aren't doing the frame justice. It's hard to photograph behind glass.)

About the Frame
There is so much more to this story than I'd ever have room for on this blog, but I have to share a few more highlights. The birthmom, Anneliese, created the beautiful frame you see pictured above. She's a scrapbooker. (See? I told you it was perfect!) And my sister is an ultrasound tech, so she was able to get a beautiful profile picture of the baby for Anneliese to give to us. And this, of course, meant that my sister got the privilege of hearing our news about a week before we did.

Anneliese and the birthdad both arrived at our house for their third visit with us, this time to meet and get to know Jeremy. We had planned a game night (Anneliese's idea!), since games can be a great way to get to know people's personalities and temperaments in a short time. We played Catch Phrase first, girls against boys. (And the boys won 2 out of 3 games.) Then they had brought the game Balderdash.

While Travis prepped the game, I stood up to open a window to let more air into the stuffy room. "Oh!" Travis says, "Maybe I should go get our version of this game. This one's wrapped up all cute." Then I hear Travis pause, "Uh, Angie, maybe you should open it."

Inside the box was the gorgeous frame and three darling little outfits. I was stunned into silence. (Sometimes, for people who talk a lot usually, as I do, they showcase their strongest emotions by clamming right up.) My eyes welled up, Travis hugged me, and I think I was able to stammer out, "Are you sure?"

She said they were sure after the first visit, but they wanted to find the right way and the right time to tell us. (And did you catch that the box says, "Balderdash: the hilarious bluffing game." How perfectly poetic is that? See, you love Anneliese already, too, don't you?)

So, in about 5 weeks, I'm going to be a mother. Or perhaps less than that, if Baby Girl Lucas decides to make her appearance a bit early. And although the nursery's not quite ready and we still need to find homes for all the stuff we're moving out of our spare room, I'd be fine with that. After all, Baby Girl Lucas sure has taken her own sweet time to get here!

Googly Eyes on Toast

One lazy summer morning, my teenage stepson, Jeremy, excitedly summoned me into the kitchen to introduce me to "the perfect slice of toast."

No piece of toast, now or ever, could compete with this slice for its iconic and almost cartoon-like shape, its exemplary toastedness, its archetypal color and shading. If someone were to make a cartoon toast creature, this slice would be an ideal model to base it upon. You could easily imagine it sprouting arms and legs, grabbing a microphone, and beginning to croon a tune about breakfast nutrition for morning television.

"All it needs is a pair of googly eyes," Jeremy said.

"You got it," I said, heading downstairs.

"Wait..." He called after me, "You actually have GOOGLY EYES on hand?"

"For just such an emergency as this," I said, returning with a baggie of googly eyes in varying sizes.

"You're kidding," he said.

"What kind of a crafter would I be if I didn't have access to googly eyes when I needed them?"

And of course I pulled out the camera for an impromptu photo shoot.

"I think he looks kinda suspicious," Jeremy said.

"Nah, he's just shy," I replied.

But we both agreed that he is definitely male. Then Jeremy devoured him. (Sans the eyes.)

Incidentally, for the first time ever, I connected the term "googly eyes" to the popular search engine "Google." It makes sense! Both "Google" and "googly eyes" have to do with eyes—perhaps the act of looking or searching. They're both FUN. They share five of their six letters.

Of course, Google claims that the word is based upon "Googol," a mathematical term that means a 1 followed by 100 zeros. But I have to believe that someone at Google made the "googly eyes" connection early on, but it didn't sound quite sophisticated enough, so it was never included in the official story.

I just LOVE this definition of "googly eyes," found on Wikipedia:

"Googly eyes or wiggly eyes are large, bulging or rolling craft findings used to imitate eyes. The eyes traditionally are composed of a clear, hard-plastic shell, with a smaller, black plastic disk trapped within. The inner black disk is allowed to move freely within the larger clear plastic shell, which makes the eyes appear to move. Googly eyes are mainly involved in arts and crafts and are sometimes glued to inanimate objects for the purposes of portraying personification and humour."

Hilarious, right? Such a sober, academic, and accurate tone used to describe something as silly and inane as googly eyes.

Advice for Stepmoms

Some of your comments from a few weeks ago (in response to my "just a stepmom" mention) got me thinking about this topic. So I've gathered up some words of wisdom that have helped me over the past 8 years I've been a part-time parent.

First of all, let me say that step-parenting can be tricky, and every situation is so different. Experiences vary greatly based on factors like:

• the age of the child(ren) when you joined the family
• your age and level of life experience
• how long the child(ren)'s parents had been divorced by the time you joined the family
• whether you have a stepson or a stepdaughter, or a couple of each
• whether there are half-siblings and step-siblings in the mix a well
• whether the biological mom is in the picture and how involved she is
• whether the child also has a stepfather at the other home
• how amicable the relationship is between the ex-spouses
• whether you have custody or just visitation
• how much time you spend "in charge" of the child when your spouse isn't home
• etc. etc. etc.

The following words of advice have worked well for my specific situation, and that's as far as my experience with step-parenting goes. If you have other thoughts about other circumstances, feel free to share them in the comments!

 

{My Situation}
Jeremy's biological parents divorced when he was 5. I met Jeremy when he was 7 years old. I became his stepmom officially when he was 9; he's now 15. His dad, Travis, and I don't have any other children yet. Jeremy's time is split equally between his mom's house and our house. He has two biological parents, two step-parents, one half-sister (at his mom's house), eleven living grandparents and great-grandparents all together, and two dogs—all of whom are very involved in his life.

 

{My Advice}
1. Appreciate the Uniqueness of Your Relationship
 And most importantly, don't covet the mom role, especially if the mom is around and involved. Right from the beginning, I made it clear that Jeremy should call me "Angie," and that the "Mom" label is reserved for his mother. I told Jeremy several times, "I'm not ever going to try to compete with your mom. I'm your stepmom, which is a different relationship, and I'm proud of that. You will never hurt my feelings by putting your mom first." I didn't want to add to the confusion any young child feels when they're split between two households. And he still always made sure I felt special and included on Mother's Day. One year, when he was in elementary school, he wrote a little song on the computer called, "Song for Mom and Angie" and gave a copy to both of us.

2. Be an Actress in a Supporting Role
I'm not saying to put on an act, of course; I'm using the term figuratively. But when it comes to parenting, I mostly think of myself as a support for my husband—especially since 75 percent of the time that Jeremy's at our house, Travis is home too. I'm here to help lighten Travis's load; to offer love and guidance to Jeremy; to help Travis with parenting decisions and dilemmas; to assist with the driving and the homework; to add more fun, creativity, and femininity to the house; to be a good example; and to model a healthy marital relationship for Jeremy.

I've learned that it's best to leave the discipline and most of the decision-making to dad. "I'll ask your dad" or "Let's see what your dad thinks" are my standard replies to most requests. At first, I sometimes felt powerless in my own home, but then I realized how freeing the lack of power can be. (See "Live Guilt-Free" below.)

3. Don't Shy Away from the "Step"
At first, I felt a little funny about introducing Jeremy as "my stepson," for fear that might seem like I was belittling the relationship, especially to him. I do love Jeremy like a son, and I try to make sure he knows that. But I've come to understand that the "step" prefix is just an explanatory label; it holds no emotional weight unless you assign it emotional weight.

And sometimes the "step" descriptor is important. (After all, Jeremy looks like he's 17, and people who've known me a while know I wasn't knocked up in high school.) Other times, the "step" doesn't matter at all. For example, when Jeremy was about 10, a mall clerk said something like, "Your mom sure is nice to buy you that." I just smiled, but Jeremy stammered a bit and said, "Oh, um, well, she's, uh, actually my stepmom." Later I said to him, "You know, if we're never going to see a person again, it's okay if they don't know the whole situation. You don't have to feel like you need correct people, unless you want to. It's okay with me if people think I'm your mom!" Depending in the situation, I also sometimes say "my boy, Jeremy" or "my teenager" or "the resident 15-year-old."

4. Don't Hold Back
When Travis and I were newly married, I felt I was walking an awkward line when it came to Jeremy. How much affection should I show? How much should I stay in the background out of respect for his relationship with his mom? Will I confuse him or make him feel like he has conflicting loyalties? But I've learned not to hold back just because Jeremy already has a mom; I can love Jeremy with my whole heart, and all that does is enlarge his world. Jeremy can feel secure that someone who doesn't HAVE to love him (as there's no biological imperative) loves him anyway, because he's a great kid.

And he really is a great kid/almost man; I can't discount how lucky I am in this regard. I have always found it easy to relate to Jeremy. He's talkative and curious, he likes to read, he has wide-ranging music tastes, we both play an instrument, we both love dogs, we have similar senses of humor, we're both creative and artistic, and our personality types overlap significantly. In my efforts to relate to this budding teenager, I even got pretty good at Nacht der Untoten ("Night of the Zombies"), an unlockable level in the Call of Duty: World at War video game. Don't knock it until you've tried it!

5. Live Guilt-Free
Every mom I know experiences a fair amount of guilt. Have I done all the right things for my child? Have I been there enough? Have I said the right things? Am I making mistakes that will ruin my child forever? As a step-parent, I get to just sit back and enjoy the ride. Jeremy is being fully parented in all ways by his mom and dad. Dentist appointments, doctor's appointments, and the majority of parent-teacher conferences happen without my involvement. I feel like anything I do for Jeremy is just icing on the cake. A bonus. And when he misbehaves or acts out—as all children do now and then—I rarely blame myself or think it's a reflection on me personally. After all, he could have learned that behavior from any one of his four parent figures, or it could be just the product of his sometimes-difficult situation. There's always someone else who could be to blame for things. And that's not such a bad situation to be in.

{My Conclusion}
While I sometimes seem to minimize my role by calling myself a "part-time parent," I'm not minimizing the impact I could possibly have on this young man's life. It's more of a way for me to acknowledge that I don't carry the full burden of parenthood 365 days a year. Half of the time, I'm on duty, making sure I know where Jeremy is, who he's with, whether his homework is done, and whether he's consumed any vegetables that day. But I'm also off duty half of the time, and someone else takes care of those things.

Nonetheless, I am a parent. And I've earned that title. Once you've cleaned up someone else's vomit, checked his fevers, tucked him in at night, shopped for his school clothes, helped solve his pre-algebra problems, sat next to his hospital bed, reminded him to wash his hands for the thousandth time, or run his forgotten homework to school in the middle of the day, you definitely count.